Quintet of Suckage

Every once in a while games introduce us to a character so vile you cannot forget them – years later they still stick like hot bubble gum. But they say that being able to verbalize your pain is the first step to recovery, so I have trekked for through the dank, overgrown jungle of my mind in the hope of healing the hurt. Here they are, my Top 5 Worst Videogame Characters.

Navi, Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time (N64)
1.She tops every list. I know, I know “Hey, Listen!” But the way I see it, she's been recognized so often for her abuse I'm just going to close the book. Navi who?

Announcer, Crazy Taxi (PS2)
2. So first on the firing line is the announcer from Crazy Taxi. With the throaty voice of a reptile on crack, his riffing assails the player with some of the worst X-treme dialogue ever written, from the title screen up until you shut the damned system off in rage. Finish a round? “Awwwwwright! It's time to check out how yuu deed t'day now let's take uh look! Uh Clayusss Dee lycense!” And in the world of Crazy Taxi, you don't make money, you make “Cuh-razy munney!” Oh, and did I mention the game's entire soundtrack is from The Offspring and Bad Religion? Yah-yah-yah-yah-yah!

Oddjob, Goldeneye 007 (N64)
3.Ah the good old days, when you could dual-wield PP7's and sneak around Soviet missile silos. I always liked it when my character's health would drop for no reason, making me swerve wildly trying to get a bead on my opponent. Never did quite figure out why that happened – oh yeah, now I remember, it was that little crouching bastard Oddjob who would hide behind the grates of a ventilation shaft. You can't see him in there, but he can see you. Like a Cold-War Killer-Rabbit, with a cute little butler suit and a top hat, he hopped from his burrow to claim your life.

Cool Spot, Cool Spot (SNES)
4.Third was a close tie between two equally shitty marketing turds: 7up's Cool Spot, and Izzy of the 1996 Atlanta Olympic games. Cool Spot wins out however, because he's a red dot... with sunglasses... and sneakers and gloves. How such a game was ever made I will never understand, but nevertheless you – the lucky player – get to step into the awesome shoes of Cool Spot, the radical 1990s mascot for 7up. You'll make a platforming pilgrimage across such perilous locations as: the beach and under-ground, collecting – you guessed it – red dots!

Mesprit, Pokemon Pearl/Diamond (NDS)
5.Ever since the Gameboy originals, Pokemon has been on a downward spiral, cranking out blob after blob of generic, lightly colored smiley faces. Just when you didn't think it could get any worse, meet Mesprit. She fits all of the requirements of a new Pokemon: pastel colored, check; made of basic shapes, check; big eyes, check; stupid name, check. This may look like an ordinary pokepoop, but don't be fooled, this balloon-animal is “Known as the being of Emotion. It taught humans the nobility of sorrow, pain, and joy.” Jesus!

(Rumor has it the upcoming Pokemon Uranium will feature a light-blue square pokemon called “Boxlor”. And yes, he'll still have that same 64kbps modem growl.)

Dishonorable mention:
Beat, The World Ends With You (NDS)
If you've played it, you know.